Friday, June 21, 2013

Dairy entry 6:  24-April -2011


24-April -2011
Dear Ira and Rudra ,
Yesterday I felt I lost you forever. I wanted to let go the thought of you as I am so unsure of myself . I wanted to release you from my world ; as I felt I may not be the same mother as I wanted for you as I am struggling with my problems . 
But I couldn't do it and today I am glad I didn't !!!

Today also I am equally unsure if I can provide you with all I want to . But I will never let you go out of my life , even if it means I meet you both in my next life. 

I sometimes wonder how I didn't want to marry and still adopt 2 kids . I could never figure out how I picked up those thoughts . May be I lived with them in my past life , and may be living the same in same life . But my yearning to have you in my life shall live with me forever .
May be I will have to take few more births to get my wish fulfilled , but I will never leave you.
I want to hold you in my arms and live my life with you.
I can't let the longing if having you both, go ..Even if I live my life without you for next 40 years , I will wait for you and continue to wait for you this life and next .

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Not sure why this entry didn't have that usual signature there " Your Mommy" .

So Now BIG guy , how many ages or birth do you plan to make us wait ? Do you realize .., you gave me this dream in may be previous birth and dissapointed me .. And now you have given the same hope so strongly to another person , their Daddy !! ... You can't play with two lives do you listen that !! Not for too long !! 
and I told you long back , you hurt my family and I will come after you !! you have hurt Kapil so badly , I know it .. You should have either not roped him in this game with me but if you have , you better fix it . And I am not going to leave you, till you fix it for him ... 

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