Saturday, June 29, 2013

Preface: How it all started ;) ... For those whispering or wondering on title " she doesn't have kids" !!! i

Welcome Readers , in sharing our Story of love , hope and many other emotions , this is a story which unfolds with each page. It's a story written from our hearts and is intended to touch yours ...  It took us courage to bring it to you all , and hope you stay with us through this journey. This story is meant to share and spread strength ... Since its a story , it is meant to be like chapters of the a book in a sequence (I have tried my best to arrange posts ) , so please start from this page and use side bar links for easy navigation to next chapter. 
Join us in this journey ... Let's Sail !! 

We have been married for 10 years now..Sometimes labelled as DINKS (double income no kids) ..believe me I have left my job and even being single income has not helped us !!! I really don't understand that slang , now !!! 

 It's been a struggle in our life to try to conceive .. It's been an extremely emotional journey for both of us ..  When doctors told Us We have no medical condition which can be of  concern and should definitely get pregnant someday... I always wondered why it would not happen still (inspite of all effort , prayer and technology !! ).... !! Ether we are Aliens to be able to study our bodies , or the doctors in those three different continents went to exactly same school !!!


 A friend said "feel as if it's already happened".. I and my friend had been so inspired by the book "The Secret" And Deepak Chopra's books... !!stumbled on a a book by Mallika Chopra( who happens to be Deepak Chopra's Daughter) " 100 promises to my Baby" and bought it to read and thoughts came pouring .   


 And that's when this diary began , I wrote when I felt there is "something today I would have told my kids " if they were there ...  A journey began .. 


Locked up in my diary have been so many emotions ... I Believed it will happen ... And I sure did believe. Today , I still have that diary .. And sometimes I do wish to write in there .. But today, I have lost faith in my own belief ... And had hid it deep under some layers , assuming I am going with the flow and moving ahead with my life ..


It was denial , I was living in as I realized in a Reiki workshop I did recently .As we did our practice of Hands-on reiki it's was my turn to be Guinea pig .. And I cried and cried (half hour) as that Reiki energy opened all the layers one by one ...that experience was known only to my two fellow-students alone .. (Thank you David and Holly !!! Love you Guys .. You are awesome with healing.. And in your own words , "you really did a freaking good job , you made me cry" .)


 Today ..I make a choice to release it To the universe .. In an attempt to rewrite (from my diary to here ) them and send them out ... To all the parents and future parents out there ... And even to that BIG Guy who is "Our Father in Heaven"  !!! 


May be it will inspire HIM to start a new BLOG to HIS Childern... His teachings really need an upgrade .. And they have been passed verbally so long ago , "Chineese Whisper" Didn't he know !!! We have Internet now .. Why not use it BIG GUY and tell us what you think today !!! start a BLOG !!! 


 Today , i an no longer in denial that its something I hoped . 

Standing at a juncture of life where i have really very little left to loose ..." I really surrender to divine will . " And I DON'T like this Divine Will" .. 

Do you hear that "BIG Guy" sitting up there .. It's easy for you to not feel it bcoz YOU have Trillions of Children .. 

All I asked was 2 or may be 1( and they would still add to your count) ... What is YOUR problem then ??????...  "I will follow YOUR plan! If that's what you want " .. But it doesn't mean "I am not going to shout back at YOU , everyday ... Do you hear it !!! " never mind , it's me paying for that LONG distance call !!! 

Friday, June 28, 2013

Some Introductions First !!!

Now that you have read how my diary started (if you are new on this page , do read the first page , believe me you would not want to miss any part this scoop) !!!



And now that may be you are little more interested to peek in my diary... (we all like to peek in other peoples life ;) ...)  NO No  don't worry , it's perfectly fine with me !! I am here to share :) ..

And may be by this time thinking " what  EXactly did she write , in her diary .. Hope the diary is as interesting as the Preface and worth my time .. " , let's get introduced first to my little ones .... I love them still !!


Ira and Rudra .. 
....Yes they are the ones , I write this diary !!...

Ira is my Daughter and Rudra is my son .

Behold that thought l... "IS ...  What is she talking about she said she don't have kids?" 
OK let's go back a bit , the diary started with purpose of "believing they already exist " . Isn't it??? So hold that vision while you read my blogs here:) .

So yes 'Ira' and 'Rudra'  exist , may be in a different realm with their Heavenly Father , and may be he is too fond of them to let them come to this world (.. You wait MISTER .. You are selfish !!) 

I received the Rudra's name in my meditation very long ago even before we planned to have kids ... I am a ardent follower of Shiva .. And Rudra is his another name depicting his fierce side ... But somehow for me .. This name is the symbol "release of a tremendous energy of universe , it's creativity , it's ecstasy of being " ... And yes so it is ... 

My husband is so fond of baby girls that he always wanted a girl .. And I wondered what we will name her... Rhyming with his surname Goel we laughed one day " Koel  Goel".. (Koel mean Cuckoo  , a melodious singing bird ) .
But it didn't feel right still ...

 Many days past and having Rudra as one child with high male energy , it had to be some some goddess of equal power to bring the balance.. Shiva and Shakti (Durga) .. the harmonious balance of male and female .. But since Durga is Shiva's wife it didn't fit either . 

More days past and I would sit in meditation and this thought would surface.. When someone once said , Rudra is 'Fierce and anger , my thoughts again went about balance... And a name Emerged "Ira" (another name for Goddess of Knowledge , calm and pure and gifted) ... 

So yes that's how they received their names ... Once we had these names arriving in our life it was matter of they manifesting in reality and we believed it . 
We would joke about how we are going to divide our property among them and who will get what among Ira and Rudra ..
(and there is that selfish HIM not sharing our own kids with us , just bcoz HE loves them more ... Boohooo to u MISTER ) !! 

One night I and my husband were lying down and I asked him " why don't you share with me how you see our future as in 20 years from now " .. As he spoke, I almost visualized it ... And met them both all grown up !! 
Oh wait ... That's the first entry in my Diary .. Will be back soon ...

But before I go .. Time to give a shout ..

. " Hey MISTER .. Just wait ... I am going to expose you , big time ... You conned us With your false stories and promises ...  You just wait ... You are in deep trouble you BIG Guy in Heaven ... the crazy lady is out with her pen , writing it all to the world and exposing you !! ... Do check out before you take that BIG Laugh  on this , if there are Cameras already planted in your Heaven for the Sting Operation. Media does get in action real fast these days , with the slightest lead . And believe me this will the "BIg breaking news " of YOUR lifetime , if it's on camera " 

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Purpose of this Blog: Feel the strength ...


Ok .. Time to put a disclaimer ...Or rather Purpose /Vision /Mission ( I should have done it earlier , didn't they teach to start everything first with them !!! I need to go back to College !!! ) 


With all my blogs and post , some people are getting idea that I am having an emotional time or something.

Guys ( and Gals) ...We had those emotions all these years .... They were locked up in that diary ... one is emotional when u hold on to that emotions ... 
(Just like you are a Millionaire when you "have" Millions , not after you have "shared them all with the world"  : D !! ) 
So yes we were "extremely emotional" , all these years  .... And It's time to release them !!! 
" The purpose " here is to share our Story and Strength with you all !! 

And I know not only us , many will benefit with this "Release" ...bcoz it's always good to know "I am not the only one" , and ther are many with their emotions hidden ...So all we want to share is "Strength" .... !! and all we expect is You to feel that Strength , be grateful and share your prayers !! (Lets call this "Vision & Mission") 

There is little smoke when there is fire "burning ", but lot more smoke is released after fire has calmed !!! It's a natures way of releasing ... And we are just doing the same --- Calming the Fire !!! 

Today we look back and reflect on them , but we are not merely emotional , but we are Lot stronger to be able to Share them !!!
It took lot of Courage to pen the emotions in my diary , when i did it few years back.
And it has taken more courage to release them out of diary for the world to Read !! 

Dont you feel lit lighter when you have "said" it ??? it takes strength to stay put , but takes much more strength to SHARE it !!!
!
So ! I invite you to Share our Vision and Mission as  you read my blogs --enjoy them , feel them , share our Strength , pray for us , and be grateful Always (in-spite of my Fight with HIM , I say this :) ... SHHH .. Don't tell HIM ) !!! 
On a lighter Note  ... And may b yes .., share your feedback about my writing  .. Lol .... Who doesn't want to listen good about themselves  ...

I am feeling extremely lighter,... Rather we both are feeling lighter as we both are releasing it now ... There are some difficult ones to share , but I will .. We got to release this NOW !!! 
And TELL that BIG GUY what I think !!! he better start listening now !!!  , bcoz I ain't going to stop shouting at him now till I have released it all !!
 

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Diary entry 1 : 7-Sep-2010


                                                                                         7-Sep-2010

Dear Ira ,

Yesterday your Daddy was telling, how he wants his life to be , what he wishes , and as he talked About you , I could see you and Rudra as grown up adults !!
You are a free bird , an artist perhaps ... I can also see you as a child , around 3-4 years old , smiling and a a little naughty :) ..

You have a beautiful smile and you always make me smile :) ...

Today during my Yoga relaxation , I saw you again , and I smiled all through my session.
Today when I slept , I felt you are sleeping between us and as if I could touch your cheeks ...

I saw your paintings , some beautiful flowers . I wish I could EVER paint like that , but I am too bad with the brush strokes !!"Auspicious creatures" , I think I heard that name perhaps as your theme of painting. 



I don't know where you are but I can feel you are right beside me .I can feel your touch , I see you smile and I smile back :).



For days I was not sure if it's going to be you or you or Rudra first . But now I can see you coming in my arms soon . 

Rudra will follow you very soon , I know !! 


I saw Rudra also, a well , a well dressed smart boy , more mature than his age , following his father.
You both are strikingly different personalities , and we love you both !!

During my Yoga session I felt you and Rudra wanted to send few gifts few of your friends here , after the Pooja at our place on 12th Sep.
I will buy cloths for Adi and Aanya on you behalf .
Waiting to hold you in my arms soon.
Love
-Your Mommy

-------------

Hey you BIG guy in Heaven ... You made a mistake , when you sent Ira and Rudra this day to make their presence felt .... We cannot come there to meet them , but your Angels do have a way to escape to earth .. So You better tighten up your Security , as Ira for sure is Naughty , I saw that day , how she sneaked from back door of our house , that's when I saw her , and I knew right then How Free spirited she is !!! 


Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Diary Entry 2 : 7-Oct-2010


7-Oct-2010


Dear Rudra and Ira ,
I am Eagerly waiting for your arrival in our life . You mean a lot to us and our life. We want to hold you and touch you and play with you . We want to play silly games with you and make silly noises with you.
I have my own anxieties about your well being , growth and so much . 
But from now I will put them all aside and visualize we three playing in park and Kapil watching us lovingly . I am waiting for you both.
Love 
Mommy
-------
Hey you Big GUY out there , we still have that little hope left ... For some reason I don't want to shout out as I write this one!! But it's an exception , so don't get Happy yet !!! 
OR may be it's bcoz Ira and Rudra sneaked from Your Heaven yesterday and came to sleep with us and be in our dreams !!! 
OH yeah MISTER .. You do have a lousy security up there !!! Your  heaven sure do need lots of Upgrade !!...

Notes for readers:
This is a note when we were waiting For results of our 2nd IVF.




Monday, June 24, 2013

Dairy Entry 3: not dated

Dear Ira and Rudra,

This is something I had scribbled sometime back ... And I am writing it in this diary today.


As a parent I know I will be very tempted to teach you what I have learnt from my experiences . But I want and will consciously let you both live your own experiences and develop a learning and understanding of life . I will share my experiences of past with you and at the same time will re-live them and new ones along with you , with a new perspective of you as a child.

I will not try not to over protect you or stop you from taking your own risks and experimenting life.

I will be like a good car instructor , not trying to manage the controls of your life , but will always be around to put an emergency Brake if you are in danger .

I will be a like an life jacket : not preventing you from swimming but to provide you enough bounce and support to never let you sink.

I will not prevent  you from jumping down from a high place, but will be like a cushion to hold you when you land and not let you get hurt. 

I will enjoy that first car drive of yours or your first swim and that jump from a high wall , and I will be proud and elated and will always be there to protect you in time of need !!

I want you to take your own risks and decisions but remember I will always be there by your side -watching and enjoying and protecting you - only in as cushion as your life - as an airbag of car which deploys in danger.

Love Mommy
-------
MISTER you must be all smiling reading this and saying. "See this is exactly what I am doing for you - letting you take your own risks and letting you learn life " ... 

BUT are you forgetting to it does mention being a cushion also , and not letting you get hurt or put Emergency brakes !!! it's time to be that Cushion , that life Jacket and that Emergency brake .. It's time now , right now and you know that !!!

And I wonder why this note was something a scribbling on a paper and then landed up in this diary with no date ?? YOU are clever BIG guy .. You knew this day will come and you planned it all along and planted this evidence in this Diary to protect youself !!

No we are still not done !!! 

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Dairy Entry 4 : 7-Feb-2011


7-Feb-2011
Dear Ira,
Your dad is away today on another office trip. I am listening to music-the Hindi  Pop &Bollywood on Funasia Radio. As I closed my eyes and listened to this Punjabi song , I could both of us in a Lohri celebration in some place in Punjab . You are dancing dancing with beats of Bhangra , dressed in a beautiful Punjabi dress- colorful kurti and Patiala. It was a lovely sight !!

When you are 18 or 20 years of age , we will go to Punjab for Lohri and Calcutta for Durga Puja . We will dance together in the celebration in the traditional dresses. 

I know I will be 50+ by then :D , but I know from my heart that I will still be carefree girl like you !!

It's such a good feeling been to imaging these thoughts. I know I will share a friend like relationship with you.

Together we will do all the girl stuff- shopping, parlor, dancing and parties.
With that picture in my eyes , I am eagerly waiting for you to come in my life and in our arms.

Love 
Mommy

P.S. : looks like your dreams strike my mind on 7th !!! Earlier note was 7-Sep, and 7-Oct and again it's 7-Feb !!!
-----------

Hey BIG GUY , nothing to say to you in this post .. We are talking of Girl stuff here , you wouldn't get it !! so keep out of it !! 

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Dairy entry 5: 3-Mar-2011

3-mar-2011


Dear Ira and Rudra,
You know one of the things which brought your dad and me closer was a common interest in books and music. 

I love to buy , collect and read books. Your dad also loves reading very much, just that he doesn't get much free time these days to read. 

I want both of you also to have reading as a hobby and habit. 

It's the best talk you can have with a person -the author and it's so silent but lot is exchanged. And it is the best form to connect with self . The books compel you to think and explore within. Just need to choose and pick a "good book".

Another thing I want you both of to have is love of Music. Nothing brings joy, calmness , Energy or love like Music does !!!
You can actually "choose" your mood , by picking the right Music , isn't that great !!! 
Just need to say , right now I want to be "happy" , " relaxed" , "  philosophical" , " groovy" ... And just pick the right Cd and play !!! what a wonderful magic want it is - to give you control of your mood and life in the moment !!

When you are here with us , I will pass on my favorites to you. We will share my pick of CDs and Books and you will have more to choose and share with us !!

Waiting for you 

Your Mom

P.S. : Today is surprisingly not the 7th of the month , but I felt like writing to you :) .

-----
Hey Big Guy , tell me what do we do with all the books and CDs we have collected and wanted to pass on to Ira and Rudra ... Our house is so Full ... There are cloths I collected for Ira and tiny colorful blankets too ! ! a painting which their daddy made for Ira to say "love unborn" .. Yes he did paint, a potrait of Ira , the best he could ;) ... Can you believe that !!! 
they still fill a drawer.. hidden from all , just like this diary was !! 
You send someone to pick it for them or send both angels  to us so that we can share them with them :( .... 


Friday, June 21, 2013

Dairy entry 6:  24-April -2011


24-April -2011
Dear Ira and Rudra ,
Yesterday I felt I lost you forever. I wanted to let go the thought of you as I am so unsure of myself . I wanted to release you from my world ; as I felt I may not be the same mother as I wanted for you as I am struggling with my problems . 
But I couldn't do it and today I am glad I didn't !!!

Today also I am equally unsure if I can provide you with all I want to . But I will never let you go out of my life , even if it means I meet you both in my next life. 

I sometimes wonder how I didn't want to marry and still adopt 2 kids . I could never figure out how I picked up those thoughts . May be I lived with them in my past life , and may be living the same in same life . But my yearning to have you in my life shall live with me forever .
May be I will have to take few more births to get my wish fulfilled , but I will never leave you.
I want to hold you in my arms and live my life with you.
I can't let the longing if having you both, go ..Even if I live my life without you for next 40 years , I will wait for you and continue to wait for you this life and next .

---- 
Not sure why this entry didn't have that usual signature there " Your Mommy" .

So Now BIG guy , how many ages or birth do you plan to make us wait ? Do you realize .., you gave me this dream in may be previous birth and dissapointed me .. And now you have given the same hope so strongly to another person , their Daddy !! ... You can't play with two lives do you listen that !! Not for too long !! 
and I told you long back , you hurt my family and I will come after you !! you have hurt Kapil so badly , I know it .. You should have either not roped him in this game with me but if you have , you better fix it . And I am not going to leave you, till you fix it for him ... 

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Dairy entry 7: 24-April-2011


24-April-2011
Dear Ira and Rudra,
One more important life lesson I want both of you to understand and adopt is to take your own decisions and take responsibility of your actions, and your successes and failure equally.

It's very easy to blame other or to find excuses for things not going right for you , but it's very miserable and powerless situation to be in. It's a trap to blame your failure on things/situations/ people and live in a life full of self pity.

I want you to take control and command of your life. be bold to take decisions , love your success and accept your failures with same humbleness. You should not only be proud to tell your success stories but should be able to equally be proud of your learnings from your failures !!!

I want you to balance the influence of others in your life . Their presence should give you strength and learning and not make you indecisive. And similarly you should not let them pity you or out you down on your failures. YOU should take and accept both your success and failure equally.

This doesn't mean being being harsh , indifferent or pretending to be strong. ou need to accept as you are , with your strength and weaknesses and be comfortable with your success and failures Equally !!! 

Love you 
-Mommy

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Dairy entry 8 : 25-April-2011

25-April-2011

Dear Ira and Rudra,
You know today I got so many wishes from my friends that " I will meet you soon".
I am so grateful to them and God today. My Heart is filled with grateful less towards them , my Lips can't stop saying " Thank you" and my Eyes are filled with tears of happiness. 

You know , my friend Prateek told me Rudraksh will suit you more. and I sometimes had this feeling that 'Rudra' as name felt incomplete or something missing , whenever I told anyone . And strangely Prateek wrote " see if you can extend the name ... 'Rudraksh'  will suit him more . And I felt yes it's complete now !!

It's just such a wonderful day today . I will never forget this day.

Love
-Mommy

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Dairy entry 9 : 21-May-2011

21-May-2011

Dear Ira and Rudra ,
I was so hopeful about getting pregnant this month. Somehow was getting so many wishes and good Omen.
But the pregnancy test came out Negative. I am upset and sad about it.

Then today I and your daddy had a fight. I felt may be still are not ready to give you a good environment . 

Today I let go of both of you . I am not sure if our house is right home for you to come . I am very sad today as I am letting go of the biggest hope of our life . I can't stop crying but now I am too tired of hoping that "all will be fine one day ".

I want to let go of all attachments and longing for a happy family. 

I let go of you my loved ones . My love and wishes will always be there . May you find a loving , happy and peaceful family.

I love you.



- Noopur 
(May you find a good sensible and loving Mommy)

------
Hey BIG Guy , hope you remember this day ... This is where our hopes were severely hit .. And not only hopes a belief , a faith was hurt and doubts creeped in .. In ourself , in YOU and our relationship !! ... Not having kids is not the only pain we carry , it's that pain of loosing hope which impacts everything in our life , in all way !!! 

We usually hear " Childern are the Hope of future" and yes they are , not only to for generational continue for nation to prosper but also for a realtionship for man and woman... 

You created this beautiful earth, and created beauty all around .. The plants , the mountains , the desert , the river , sea ... 
But you didn't feel it was complete till you created Adam and Eve.. You wanted an intelligent being as your child and you wanted to see your generation grow ... And that's why we are here .. Trillions of your children ... And that keeps you busy .. And happy and smiling ... Had your children not been there , how lonely you would have been !!! And you would have not been able to cope with yourself alone , you would have doubted yourself and purpose of creating all beauty on earth , if there was no one to enjoy it !!...
Don't want to shout anymore , but did want to remind you what made you create us !!! 

Monday, June 17, 2013

Dairy entry 10 : 1-Jul-2011  (Daddy wrote this time)


1-Jul-2011

Our Dearest Ira and Rudra,

Lots of hugs and kisses. We are very sorry that we left you little kids alone. But your Mommy and I felt very bad after we left you. We should have not done that. You are the reflection of our love and belonging to each other.
We are very glad you are back. Your Mommy and I cried badly that we let you go and are crying again as we receive you back . God has been very kind to us to unite us again as a family. We could not have lived without our cutest and loveliest darlings.

We love you both with all our hearts. We will always be there to guide and support you whenever you need us. We just need you in our arms very soon . And we wish to be very loving and caring parents , who will give the best environment to you both , an environment where you will grow everyday without any fears , without any tension . An environment of love and bliss in a happy family.

I see you both coming to us , with the ray of light coming from Sai baba and eternal God. And we receive you with joy in our hearts full of affection . Our happiness is boundless and I and your Mommy hug each other for the best creation that we have made together . 

I promise your Mommy to love her like never before, to control myself and ensure that I don't have an argument. I knows that both of you will not like your Mommy and I fighting and arguing before you. So I and your Mommy promise to never fight and always be loving to each other.

We love you both and we can't wait anymore to have you in person !!
Our arms are longing to hold you close to our hearts . Mommy and Daddy love you lots.

YourMommy was very sad that she left you alone. But she left you because she thought she will not be able to take care of you , when I and her are fighting . But we realised that we cannot live without you , we can't live without hope of you being next to us . And your Mommy and I dearly love each other- just so that sometimes we behave stupid. So we are not going to fight and argue and will love each other more and together wait for your home coming.

You continue to occupy a very important place in our life . You fill our hearts with joy and happiness as soon as we think of you.

Welcome back to our world and we will never miss you from our way from now-on.

I will be traveling on my sales trip but your Mommy will keep writing to you in the meanwhile.

Take care you kids 

Lots of love and blessings 
Daddy and Mommy
1-jul-2011

---
I had decide never to write the diary since my last entry .This time Kapil was our strength , and he wrote this entry to make me believe in them again .. 
We had hopes and belief ... We really did !!